


It Starts off Small

by mandaree1



Series: Fusion Fun with the Fam [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: But nothing like out there, Depression, Gen, Mild fusion speculation, No big theories here, Singing While Crying, Steven and Amethyst are Shame Buds, The Sugilite Incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-09-21 22:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9569087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandaree1/pseuds/mandaree1
Summary: Things come to a head when Amethyst starts teaching Steven fusion tips





	1. It Starts off Small

The heat of the sun beating down on open stone sunk deeply into Steven's skin. He felt the beginning of sweat slick the folds of his neck and under his stomach and yanked on his shirt, feeling the fabric cling and suffocate his gem. Connie sat with her legs curled under her, long hair tied in a messy braid, and he wondered if her knees hurt from the lack of cushioning. If they did, she didn't show it, listening with rapt attention.

Amethyst, unlike them, was perched on one of the many uplifted stone benches, hair left to the breeze. Steven had only ever seen a Gem sweat when nervous; he wasn't even sure if she noticed the heat. She looked no less uncomfortable, however, lips drawn back in an uncertain frown, squinting.

"I dunno, guys. _Pretty_ sure Pearl will destroy me if she finds out I'm teaching you to crush Gems. And that's not even talking about what Garnet would do to me."

"Please!" Connie lightly jumped to her feet, hands curled into fists. "You _know_ Pearl will never teach me."

"That's kinda why _I_ don't wanna teach you. The whole point of this is to, I dunno, expand on that stuff, not learn you some new junk. I'm your built-in-training dummy, not a sub."

Steven felt guilt roil in his stomach. The thought of learning how to kill a Gem worried him, but he wasn't planning on learning. This lesson was all for Connie, while he was here just for support.

"That's _exactly_ why I'm asking you," she returned, straightening. "I need to be ready for anything."

"I'm all for Homeworld getting dumped on, but _killing_ them?"

"Are you saying _you've_ never done it? After all those years?"

Amethyst's jaw snaps shut. Steven sinks down in his seat a little bit, ears stinging from the holes in them.

"Never a non-corrupted one," she growls finally. "And if we have our way, you won't even have that."

"I appreciate that, ma'am." Connie's voice softened. Her brows knit together with concern. "But you can't control the world. You can't stop Homeworld from coming."

The purple Gem eyed her a long minute, shoulders slightly hitched. Steven wanted to move to stand beside her, to nudge her arm and bring some level of comfort, but that would be weird. And awkward. Amethyst had to handle this herself.

"I'm not teaching ya' how to kill," she answered finally. "But I _can_ teach you how to poof a Gem. What you do with the Gem after that ain't my business."

"I'll take what I can get."

"Oh, Pearl's gonna dangle me over a pit of lava for this." Amethyst put her mane up with fidgeting hands and harshly took the girl by the wrist, leading her out to the flat training space with a jog best described as _conflicted_ , hopping from foot to foot. "Alright, here we go. What's the first rule of fighting Gems?"

Connie drew her sword, the sound of it echoing across the arena. Steven pulled himself onto a seat and prayed they wouldn't be missed anytime soon.

"Stay light on my feet," Connie recited.

"'Xactly. Chances are, any enemy Gem you meet is gonna be bigger than you. They'll definitely be stronger than you. Swords are short-range to medium-range; you've gotta be extra careful not to get too close."

The girl nodded. Amethyst jokingly waved her hands, as if to get the blood pumping in them. Seeing how she had no blood to pump, Steven can assume it's just to keep up appearances.

"Step one of poofing a Gem; don't aim for the gemstone." Amethyst caught Connie's head whipping back, eyes widening, as though thoroughly insulted. "Hear me out before you think I'm ignoring you. My chest rock is one of my biggest weaknesses, and I _know_ that. Any fighter- heck, any Gem, really- will know that. I've spent thousands of years learning how to deflect anyone I don't trust from getting too close to it. Even if you _had_ the force to crack it, you wouldn't get that far. You dig?"

Reluctantly, she nodded.

"Good. What you _need_ to do is knock me off balance. Throw me off my guard. Make me forget to cover my weak spot."

"This is starting to sound less and less like a poofing lesson," Connie murmured, but her eyes never left Amethyst's form.

Amethyst didn't respond. "What's a good way to throw me off?"

Steven twiddled his thumbs. These weekly extra sessions had done a lot in preparing them both for combat, but it still bothered him to hear Amethyst encourage others to find the soft spots, the chinks in her armor. Pearl always preferred to use Holo-Pearls in cases like this, and Garnet tended to sit on the side for training sessions. He'd never been _told_ to find where he could hurt them, where to stab to cause the best reaction.

He supposed that was why Amethyst's advice was so valuable.

"Distraction?" Connie probed finally, eyes roaming over the short woman's form. "Your attention span isn't very long. No offense."

"Savage. I'm gonna need ice for that burn, girl," Amethyst returned dryly, eyes rolling. "S'true, though. I'm like a purple goldfish. Another route to go is my legs. I'm short, and I'm used to keeping up with tall people. Tall people tend to go for my face and chest, because it's within reach. You'll blow me away if you go for the legs. Well, not _now_ , obviously, but you get the point. You wanna give it a try, or would you rather practice by yourself?"

Connie slid the blade back into its scabbard. It took her three tries. Steven thought she might be shaking. "I can't poof _you_ , Amethyst."

"Eh. I'd be back in two hours, tops. Nobody would notice." Still, Amethyst relented with a shrug. "Alright, Steven, your turn. You hankerin' for any kind of training?"

Steven hesitated, lifting his hands off his lap. "I think… could you give me fusion training?"

Amethyst blinked at him, uncomprehending. "You know how to fuse, dude."

"No, I mean- with Pearl and Garnet." He slumped a bit under her stare, but kept right on going. "I don't know if I'll be able to fuse with them like I do you, but- I wouldn't mind tips? If that means anything?"

"Yeah," Connie added. "What if Stevonnie can fuse with Gems? What do I do then?"

"That's more of a case of what Stevonnie will do, but I see your point." Amethyst shrugged. "Just dance. It'll be easy."

"Dancing isn't easy," she rebuffed. "Not with professionals, anyway. It's not the same with Steven."

"We're not professionals. We're just old." Amethyst patted her shoulder, then gently took her hand and pulled her into a friendly tango. "See? It's not that hard."

"Amethyst!" Connie laughed, hitting her shoulder. "Let me go!"

Amethyst kept dancing, slowly turning in circles. "This is probably as close to dancing as we're going to get with you. Distant, basic junk. 'Cause, well, let's face it; we don't exactly dance kid-friendly. Even Pearl, and she's not a club-dancer by any means," she twirled the girl with a chuckle, "not to mention you're basically our kids at this point. S'probably gonna be a lot of high-fives and maybe a bit of hugging."

Connie has dissolved into giggles as Amethyst lets her go, beaming.

"Alright, it's time to get moving," the Gem hummed. "Don't wanna be missed."

The knight-in-training dipped her head and jogged toward the warp pad. Steven stood and began to follow, but a purple hand gently set itself on his shoulder.

"The kinda tips you're looking for is private stuff, dude," she says quietly. "Let's save it for the private sess."

"We don't have private sessions."

"We do now."

* * *

This all starts because of Garnet. Or, rather, this all starts because of a conversation Steven had with Garnet.

They'd been sitting comfortably on the couch together. Steven did his best not to cling to her knee, rubbing at the red holes in his ears. The memories are too new, too full of pretty bubbles and snippy voices and even a bit of discordant music layered with pain. He doesn't want to leave her side, when leaving is what did this to him in the first place. More importantly; what did this to his father.

"So," Garnet says, fingers curling and ruffling his hair. The awkwardness in her tone tells him she's trying to take his mind off it, which is nice. "How do you like fusing with Amethyst?"

"It's good, I guess." It's hard to explain the mentality of Smoky. They're fun to work with, but it's not the same as Stevonnie, who is light and strong. Smoky is the bubbling distrust of oneself, the way one's fingers twitch when you want to scream and fight. It's not _bad_ \- the biggest feeling Steven has is the love Amethyst has for him, and vice versa- but it's not quite like Garnet, either. Stable, just not a long-term solution to the problem. "Why?"

"Curious, mostly. It must be strange, fusing with a Gem after only havin' Connie for so long." A gentle smile touched her features. "Only a matter of time 'till Pearl scoops you both up for fusion training."

"I don't think Amethyst will mind all that much," he said.

"Probably not."

Steven wondered if she missed Sugilite. Yes, it was only logical that they'd been forced to bench the hulking fusion- Amethyst and Garnet have a lot of things they need to talk out, even if they're both too stubborn to bring it up. It's not like they can ignore the forceful way Garnet had formed her last time forever- and Amethyst alone had been heartbroken. He could only imagine how Garnet felt.

If that were the case, it was something they could make strides to fix. All they had to do was talk.

(Amethyst is typically as easy to talk to as a brick wall, he knows. But she'd _try_ , for Garnet's sake.)

"I wanted to know if you plan on experimenting in the future, honestly," she murmured calmly. "Fusing with Gems."

Steven hesitated, then shrugged. "I'm not sure yet."

Garnet nodded. Her long fingers left Steven's curly hair to grab and squeeze one of his hands. "If there's any way I could make this easier, please don't hesitate to tell me."

"What if I never fuse with anyone else?" He found himself asking. "What if it's just Amethyst and Connie?"

Garnet pulled away. Steven was afraid he'd said the wrong thing, but quickly realized she was just giving him space. "Then you won't. This is your choice to make, Steven. We'll respect it, no matter what."

Steven knows they will. He knows they love him and would never purposefully hurt him. Knew that they were proud of how far he's come, of finding a non-invasive way to enter Amethyst's personal bubble. Deep down, they might even hope he'll be able to heal the corrupted Gems, at least enough so they can properly function. Like Centipeetle. They might want him to make all the Gems like Centipeetle.

Steven knows a lot of things, but that doesn't change reality. Homeworld is coming one day, and if he doesn't square his shoulders and rise to meet it then there won't _be_ an Earth anymore.

So he does what he can; he talks to Amethyst.

* * *

"Fusion's got two major parts to it; emotion and intent. Garnet's the first kind, and Alexandrite is the other kind. Does that make sense?"

Steven nodded. The sun was starting to set. He could feel the stone of the sky arena beginning to cool as he sat, Indian-style, hands in his lap. "Garnet can stick around, but Alexandrite's only good for a purpose."

Amethyst paced in front of him, hand to her chin. Her long hair was crinkled from being tied up. Training with Connie had been extra hard today; she'd shapeshifted to be the size of an average Quartz to help the girl learn how best to duck and dodge when huge, meaty fists were attempting to pummel you, and Steven knew firsthand how exhausted Amethyst got with delayed shapeshifting.

"Right. 'Course, a fusion can be both; Stevonnie is. You and Connie like each other, but that doesn't mean you can't just up and fuse in an emergency. There doesn't _have_ to be emotion behind it- just action." She stopped pacing to examine him. Her squint was back. "Most of fusion is emotional, though, and that's gonna be your biggest hurdle."

"Heeey." Steven crossed his arms in a pout. "I'm excellent at feeling things, thank you very much."

Amethyst laughed. It's a guttural and abrasive sound. "No _duh_ , Steven."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Snakes don't have any legs, either."

"I only cried about that _one_ time-"

"Twice. You teared up when Pearl mentioned it."

"How do you even _remember_ that? Your gem was cracked!"

Amethyst stifled a giggle with a shrug, hand halfway outstretched in a placating gesture. "I remember everything that happened when my gem was cracked."

Steven's arm tightened around his stomach, flinching when the thin and loose fabric of his shirt pressed against the Rose Quartz there. "Ow."

"Eh. It was whatever." Amethyst shrugged once again, pushing his shoulder playfully before finding an upheaved stone to lean against. "The problem isn't that you're not emotional, Steven. It's that Gems like us are _too_ emotional."

The hybrid blinked at her, then looked down at his stomach. It's easy to forget that, in Homeworld's eyes, they are soldiers. A squishy boy with healing spit and a fluffy ball of long hair and stocky body. "Garnet's a fusion of love. Can it even _get_ more emotional than that?"

"Fair point," she admitted, "but ya' gotta remember; Pearl and Garnet are _way_ older than us. More importantly, they're spades more mature. They know how to handle their emotions. We _don't_." Amethyst pauses a second, forcing her tone to lighten from the somber growl that's infected her voice. "We just gotta deal with it."

"You mean… dampen them?"

"Not quite. You can't just _stop_ feeling. That's where the second reason to fuse comes in."

Steven felt himself become weightless as Amethyst lifted him off the ground, setting him down with a quiet smack of the flip-flops. The purple Gem began to sing, slapping her feet on the stone for punctuation.

 _How do ya' fuse_  
_With a fusion of love?_  
_Even if you try your best_  
_It's just,_  
_Not enough._

 _So stop letting feelings cloud your eyes!_  
_Focus on the situation_  
_Not reason for reciprocation._

 _You're a soldier_  
_On a great battlefield_  
_You do what you gotta_  
_No matter what it yields_

She paused. "Does that make sense?"

Steven cleared his throat. All this talk of feelings was making him stare at his feet. "Garnet says the best reason to fuse is love."

 _And that's great!_  
_Not trying to override her word._

 _But let's face it_  
_They can't take it._  
_Does that make sense?_

(Here, her voice began to soften)

 _You're a soldier_  
_On the way to war_  
_I've never fought Homeworld_  
_But we need to give 'em what's for._

 _You can't tell me that every_  
_Single_  
_Fusion_  
_Was a product of love and appreciation_

 _The war trumps reason  
Trumps logic  
Trumps emotion_  
_Believe me, I wish we weren't chosen  
_ _But we were, and we gotta do good._

_Doesn't that make sense?_

The purple Gem's voice died. Steven gave an aspirated grunt, shoved her elbow, and started to sing.

 _You call that sense?_  
_Is that what sense is?_  
_If that makes sense_  
_Then is that what Malachite is?_

 _There has to be a line_  
_On what's good and fine_  
_And what's too much to ask._

 _Where does it stop?_  
_When a Gem is forced to fuse_  
_To avoid a scene?_  
_Does that make sense?_

Amethyst's shoulders hitched higher and higher up as he went on, lip drawing back at the sting. "I did what I had to."

_Would you do it again?_

"Of course I would! Wouldn't you?"

Steven's jaw snapped shut. For a brief, tense moment, the two glared at each other. Then Steven's shoulders slumped.

… _I guess that makes sense._

* * *

Peridot hesitates, hands out in front of her in a half-protective stance. "Am I allowed to move, or do I have to figure it out from here?"

"You can walk around," Pearl says. "Connie won't move. Will you, Connie?"

"No, ma'am," Connie agreed.

"See? Just stay clear of any loose rubble."

The green Gem grunts to show she's heard and slowly began to circle the girl. Connie stands perfectly straight, feet apart, with her hands perched on the handle of her training sword, which is touching the floor tip-first, carefully seated in its scabbard. Her eyes follow Peridot as she moves, months of training leaving her unable to ignore her presence.

Finally, Peridot rounded on her front side, eyebrow raised. "Does being human count as a weakness?" She asked, puzzled.

"That may be a disadvantage, but it's not a weakness," Pearl tsked. "It's in her stance."

Peridot blankly scanned her. "I'm better suited for searching for weaknesses in technology."

"Guess. Knowing the weakness in how a soldier stands could very well save your gem one day."

"Is this a trick question? Is her stance fine and you're just making me study it?"

"I wouldn't do that! You never learn that way!" Pearl's cheeks tinged blue, and she cleared her throat. Peridot sent her a dubious look. "Connie, is something wrong with your stance?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Could you tell me what it was, if I asked?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Ooh, ooh, I know! She's leaning too much on her sword."

They all turned as Steven gleefully rounded the corner with juice boxes. He looked thoughtful. "Also, I think she's a bit too high. Her body should be lower."

Connie gave a mildly relieved sigh and loosened her shoulders, gingerly handing Pearl the scabbard. "Well, he's not wrong."

"True, though it was _Peridot_ who was supposed to answer." The white Gem hummed, daintily spinning on her flats to meet him halfway. "We should've started earlier, I suppose. We'll pick this up again tomorrow."

"I have a _life_ , you know," Peridot growled, but skittered after her nonetheless. Steven handed Connie a juice box.

"Did she even get _one_ right?"

"I stood on my tip-toes once."

"Ah. Well, thanks for being so patient with her, Connie. She really is trying."

Connie nodded, shuffling from foot to foot restlessly. "It's taking longer than I thought it would, though. I feel like my own skills are getting rusty waiting for her to get around to picking up a butter knife. Thank goodness for all those extra lessons Amethyst's been giving me."

"Yeah," he replied, a beat too late, "thank goodness."

"Steven?" Connie's smile dipped down. "Is something wrong?"

"Can I… ask you something?"

"Always," she promised, then tugged on his wrist. "Let's sit down first. My legs are sore from tensing."

He nodded. They found themselves sitting on the floor, backs to one of the crumbling walls. Connie sipped at her drink. "Okay. I'm good now."

"What's more important; doing what feels right, or doing what's best for others?"

She stopped sipping to blink at him. "Well, I guess it all depends on the reason you're making that choice; the people involved, the situation, and whether or not you can willingly live with that choice. Can I ask why that's on your mind?"

Steven sighed. He set the juice box down, unopened, on the arena floor. "Amethyst's giving me fusion lessons. Well, tips, really. I already know how to fuse. I think she thinks my emotions are what would get in the way of fusing, and honestly? Yeah. I can see that. It's never going to be as easy as it is with you or her. But it's hard to imagine just… shutting them off? Pushing them down, anyway. Do I even have the right to refuse, though? If it helps us, isn't that what matters?"

"Steven, you're overthinking things." Connie put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "Pearl and Garnet wouldn't want you to force yourself."

"But I wouldn't be forcing myself!" He threw his hands up. "I'd just be changing my tactics when it comes to fusion!"

"I can't make your mind up for you, but I _can_ tell you you wouldn't be as happy."

"I know."

"You have to make that choice; do you want to fuse like Amethyst, or fuse like you?" She pulled back. "That's what it boils down to."

"You make it sound like that's a bad thing," he said softly. "Amethyst's fusions are really powerful."

"And unstable," she added.

"And unstable," he agreed.

Connie took a long drink of juice for courage, sighed, and hung her head between her knees. "I really don't know, Steven. I can't exactly tell you _not_ to- I mean, I'm a twelve year old girl learning how to be a knight to protect my friend, for pete's sake. It'd be hypocritical, not to mention tasteless. I just worry about you. Don't push yourself past what you're comfortable with, okay?"

Steven suddenly noticed the exhausted slump to her shoulders, the callouses on her hands. He's not the only one in need of comfort.

"Okay."

* * *

Smoky yawns and stretches, stubby arms straining. Their face is mostly blank, save for the bemused blink of their one visible eye. "You know, this isn't nearly as fun when it's like this. Nothing's changed, but… why do I feel so guilty?"

The fusion's form wrinkled, and before Smoky could finish another sentence ("What the-"), they fell apart. Steven landed on his rear with an 'oof', while Amethyst hit with her entire body, not bothering with the hassle of trying to save face.

"You okay?"

"Yup."

"Okay, I'm ready!" Connie rounds the corner in her training outfit. Amethyst and Steven had picked her up after school. Her day clothes swung uselessly in her arms. "Wow. That was fast."

For her credit, Amethyst got to her feet quickly, patting Steven on the shoulder as she passed. "Fusion training just ain't clickin' right today. Where did we leave off?"

"Your spin-dash."

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Gotta go fast." The purple Gem led her out to the main part of the arena. Cracks and chips riddled the stones from frequent abuse. "What's the best way to stop my spin-dash?"

"Distraction?"

Something hard and somewhat snarky entered her voice. "Chicken."

Connie stilled. "Chicken?"

Amethyst was smiling. "Play chicken."

"Oh, you mean- I thought you were…" The girl cleared her throat. "Never mind."

"You can't dodge me for long. You can't fight me off. I'm too fast, and- if we're talking a _normal_ Quartz- too strong. So, you gotta use it against me." Amethyst mimed hitting a wall with her hands. "If I hit something that can hold the pressure, it's like a car wreck. It won't _stop_ me, but it'll certainly slow me down."

"Won't that hurt?" Steven asks. He knows the answer- it's fairly obvious- but questions like these remind Amethyst he cares. A prodding about how he noticed when she was pain typically made her think twice before she put her gem on the line.

"No more than getting tossed by Garnet," she returned. "Wanna give it a try, Connie?"

Connie hesitated, then nodded. "If it won't hurt you that much, I'd like to."

"Sure."

Steven found himself being picked up and carried to the bleachers while Connie drew her sword, looking around the arena. He bent down to mutter in her ear. "What's wrong with Smoky?"

"Smoky's an emotion fusion. You're learning how to control your emotions." Amethyst plopped him down and clapped the dust off her hands with a simple air. "It's probably gonna be in our best interest to save training for the hypothetical."

The thought of losing Smoky pressed in on his chest as he nodded, making it hard to breathe. He couldn't bear losing them; it was such an important part of the comfort they gave each other- a closeness they had never really had with other Gems.

Thankfully- or, perhaps, unfortunately- Amethyst turned and moved away before she could see the dismay on his face. The last thing he wanted was to halt training.

"I'm ready," Connie calls. Amethyst takes off in a sprint and tucks.

Steven watched with mixed parts awe and horror as Connie throws herself to the side. Amethyst readjusts without stopping, making a tight arc that was _this_ close to tipping her over. This went on and on until finally Amethyst's sense of direction was plenty askew. Connie then took off in a straight line. She followed, crushing debris under her as she picked up speed. Steven found himself holding his breath.

While the girl veered to the right, Amethyst was too close to the pillar to turn.

There's a sickening crash. Steven stands, already calling up a mirage of happy and sad concepts should the pillar- and Amethyst- topple over, but the dash stopped instantly in an effort to avoid that very income.

Connie fell to the stone, trying in vain to catch her breath. Amethyst simply fell, belly-first, to the floor. She gingerly patted her white hair, hissing with pain.

Steven crouched beside Connie, checking her for wounds. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she promised, sounding surprisingly sheepish. "Amethyst?"

Amethyst rolled onto her rear and sat up, wiping the dust off her face. "I got rocks in my hair."

They take a three day break.

* * *

The fourth day, Steven expects them to start up again, but all three of them spend the afternoon laying around. None of them have the energy or willpower.

If there's one thing Steven's learned over the years, it's that working through a funk is the best way to deal with it- less questions, then- and Amethyst seems to agree with him, eating a box of popcorn kernels before cleaning the sink and heading for the warp pad.

"Alright, so emotion deflecting isn't working wonders. Let's try powering the fusion instead."

It seems like, with every fusion lesson, the sun sinks deeper and deeper when they return. It's a clear night, however, so Steven can see fairly well. Amethyst's hair is stark and bright, so she's fairly obvious.

The stars are one of the major reasons he couldn't imagine living somewhere like Jersey or Empire City. Sure, it was fine for a night or two, or for a Gem who wanted to forget what they held in their depths, but how could you spend your life completely star-less?

Steven's ears start to ache again. Maybe he could understand, after all.

"Powering a fusion?"

Amethyst nodded and bit her lip. "This one's a bit more risky because it's easy to mess up. Lemme tell ya'; if Pearl or Garnet knew you were doing it, they'd be real hurt. Lucky for you, I got this down to an art."

Powering a fusion, she tells him, is exactly what it sounds like. Amethyst talks with flapping hands and nervous looks over her shoulder, as if frightened someone will hear. It's not that it requires a lot of concentration; just will.

That means it's safest to be half-lucid, buried in the fusion itself, but Steven's always good at being _there_ , so that should be easy enough. From there, you don't think about emotion or intent- just strength.

"You can't make a fusion stronger by thinkin' 'bout pecs or anything," Amethyst tacks on. "You just take on the brunt of the physical wear."

Being a power source, Steven learns, can make a Gem _extremely_ exhausted.

"But you're always tired after fusion."

"Like I said, dude. It's an art."

Steven pauses. "…You're tired after we fuse, too."

"That's not why," she assures him. "That's 'cause emotions are tiring."

Being the punching bag of any particular fusion gives one the joy of no restraints, but also comes at the cost of instability, something Quartzes like themselves have to deal with as is. Seeing how the two fusions in Steven's arsenal are a.) one that typically dissolves into hallucinations, and b.) one powered by humor and low self-esteem, he can probably get used to that.

"I didn't want to teach you this one," she finishes, hesitantly rubbing at an arm. "S'not good for you."

"It's not good for you, either."

"That's different."

"Not really."

"You wanna go?"

"Only if you want to be aggressively complimented _while_ we go."

Amethyst scoffs, but ultimately lets it slide. "You need something to keep yourself lucid. A bad feeling. It can't be overwhelming- the fusion'll pick up on it- but it can't be too low quality, either, or it'll fail, and the fusion'll pick up on _that_. It's just gotta _be_ , if that means anything."

"Yeah, I think I've got it."

"Got any bright ideas on a dark feeling?"

Fingers dig into his shirt, perfectly surrounding the gem hidden away. It feels suffocating. "I think I can manage."

* * *

Steven asks to practice. Amethyst says no.

"I'm not spoiling this for us."

Connie offers. Steven says no.

"That's not right."

They sit and watch _Crying Breakfast Friends- Wrestling Addition_ , while Amethyst calls out potential moves and Steven calls out the ref, who, judging by their permanent squint, seriously needs glasses.

"That's not fair!"

* * *

Smoky's yo-yo is a mysterious force of nature, and they offer up no explanation as to how they managed to fend off a rockfall with them. They just sit, peering anxiously down as Garnet wipes rubble off her uniform.

"Are you okay?"

Smoky gives a thumbs up, smirking. "You can always count on a cockroach to survive a fire, G. Sorry. That wasn't funny. Are _you_ okay?"

"Been better."

"I know that feel, bruh. _My_ prime time was, like, three years ago."

Garnet's frown only sours. "You weren't alive three years ago. Not in this form, at least."

Her tone gives Smoky pause. "Whup. Did I say me? I meant the Gems that _make_ me."

"Ulgh." Pearl stirs beside them. The white Gem sits up and rubs her head, searching for indents in her form. "What hit us?"

Smoky and Garnet point up.

"Ah. Well, it's nice to see you again, Smoky."

A joke sits at the very edge of their tongue (something along the lines of, "Yeah, a hurricane is nice to watch from a distance, I guess.") but the sincerity in her tone makes them bite down on it. "We did kinda get off on the wrong yo-yo last time. Sorry 'bout the damages."

"You were excited. We know how that feels."

Smoky shrugs helplessly. "So, are we punching out of this, or…"

"Give me a minute." Garnet hunches over and adjusts her visor. "Seeing what the best option is."

"Ah. Yeah, I guess that's a good plan."

Pearl stands as best she can- which amounts to an awkward half-bow to avoid brushing any of the strings holding their little safe zone up- and slips over to poke and prod at them. "Are you _sure_ you're not injured? Something about you seems off."

"No worries, Pearl. I'm right as rain."

"What was the plan if you _hadn't_ been? Or we'd poofed? This is a decent amount of rocks."

Another shrug. "I dunno about you, but I like to think I'd make an excellent shield. I'm big, I'm squishy, I'm stubborn-"

"Damaging yourself is not a tactic," Garnet interrupts harshly.

Smoky stares at her. Pearl gently smooths a wrinkle out of their shirt.

"It would've been _fine_ , Garnet," they said finally. "I'm in agreement. Gotta keep the big Gems alive."

"Even if it means dying?"

"Well, sure! Better to be caught between a rock and two Gems than a rock and dead rocks."

Pearl breathes out a long sigh from her nose, knowing the fusion could- if provoked- simply cry hypocrisy should she try and dissuade them.

"I don't understand," Garnet murmurs finally. "Steven and Amethyst love each other as family. If you're any sort of fusion, shouldn't it be of that? Why _this_?"

"'Cause they've got issues in spades!" Smoky hums cheerfully. "Honestly, Garnet, I really don't see the big deal. It makes life so much easier, you know? Not caring about yourself. Makes you a better soldier, too. And, sure, it's not quite like that- not yet- but they know how it is. They know they're not good enough. That's close enough to not caring that it's _almost_ worth it."

"Let's move," Garnet says, a beat too late. Pearl keeps a tight hold on Smoky's hand.

Un-fusing from Smoky is usually an embarrassing moment. The fusion is an over-sharer, and it shows every time they let themselves loose. Steven and Amethyst know they'll say something, and Pearl and Garnet will give them looks that will drive them nuts. For that reason alone Smoky tends to dither, demanding video game contests or sparring practice.

This time, it's a flash and a pop.

Amethyst hits the ground and is immediately on the move, swinging her body up. "What the heck was _that_?"

"I-" Steven stutters, but Garnet's shadow descends on them both, hands on her hips.

"Smoky tellin' it like they think it is. That's what it was."

Pearl boldly crouches to scoop Amethyst in her arms, hugging her to her chest like a beloved kitten. "You did a good job, you two. Let's have a movie night, then discuss things in the morning."

"Oh. Yeah, sure." Amethyst settles down, eyeing the Gem warily. " _That's_ what this is about."

"Can I get carried too?" Steven asks, leaning heavily on Garnet's knee. The fusion sweeps him of his feet.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He yawned. "Just tired."

* * *

Amethyst is gone in the morning. Nobody pretends this was unexpected. Steven promises to bring her back and boards the warp pad alone. He already knows where she'll be.

Amethyst is in a full-bodied tantrum, so to speak. Her whips lick at the pillars, tossing loose rubble around and into the walls. She doesn't say a word even as he steps into view, disregarding her weapons to await approach.

Steven has seen her angry before. He remembered, clear as day, when he watched helplessly as purple whips circled Pearl and pulled, flinging her into the solid metal leg of an injector. The hissing of the Slinker as she tried frantically to appeal to Garnet, the fusion too stubborn to see between the lines. The hang of her shoulders as Peridot called her defective. And now, her shoulders tight, face blank, dark eye turned to him.

Somehow, it's that much scarier when it's pointed towards himself. He knows she'd never physically hurt him- isn't capable, now that he can defend himself- and yet he still hesitated to come closer.

"Before you say anything, I'd just like to say I'm sorry."

Amethyst's eyes slam shut. She doesn't answer.

"I didn't mean to do that to Smoky. It was instinct."

Again, nothing. The boy fell silent.

Slowly, the Gem began to speak. "You done?"

Steven hesitantly nodded.

"Good. First off- I taught you that as an emergencies-only type thing. Second of all- Smoky didn't need the extra imbalance, thank you very much." Amethyst ticked them off on her fingers. "And third- I don't believe you."

"You don't?"

"No. You don't magically have an instinct do something so unnecessary so easily. This was on _purpose_ , Steven."

Steven didn't bother trying to deny it. "I honestly didn't mean to hurt anyone."

"This isn't about hurting, Steven. This is about the fact that I gave you _tips_ , only to be used when all else _failed_ , and you decided to use them for absolutely no reason _whatsoever_."

"I need to be ready!"

"For _what_?"

The tone of her voice sent ice sluicing through his insides. Not only was she angry, she was _horrified_. Steven could see it in her one eye.

Amethyst had never felt this way before. She'd never received the treatment she gave others before.

"For Homeworld!" He burst out. Frustration pecked at him, clenching his fists and adding a growl to his words. "I have to be prepared to do whatever I have to do! Even if I don't like it. After all; _doesn't that make sense_?"

Amethyst went very still. "Don't throw my words back at me."

"Why not? You do the same with me and the others every day," he snapped. "You're a lot of things, but I never took you to be a _hypocrite_."

"You wanna go?" She asked. This wasn't like it was before, when it was a light teasing. This was serious. This was an honest offer.

"Kinda, yeah! At least you don't change your mind every two seconds when we're _punching_ each other!"

Amethyst's lips drew back. Her strong teeth didn't scare him in the slightest.

"I've been trying my best, you know? To _be_ a decent soldier. To _be_ the bigger Gem. Homeworld is coming, and Pearl and Garnet don't need _my_ issues on top of all that." His voice softened. "I thought… maybe you were doing the same."

"Is that a roundabout, guilt-trippy way of saying we should keep this to ourselves?"

"I guess it is. Yeah."

"Fine with me." Amethyst brushed by him as though he were an insect, heading resolutely towards the warp pad. "But _you're_ the one telling them when they find out Smoky is benched."

Steven stared blankly in the distance, floored, as he heard the familiar clank-clank of boots on the warp pad, then the familiar sound accompanied by teleporting. It took him a minute to gather himself enough to follow.

* * *

Peridot takes to the idea of sparring with swords like a fish takes to fire, immediately racing up the steps of the bench seats, sword held expertly but not elegantly.

Connie stares up at her bemusedly. "What are you doing?"

"Strategy!" Peridot chirps triumphantly. "You can't defeat me if you can't catch me!"

"I'm not going up there," she states.

"Why not?"

"This is a play-fight, not a full-on spat. You aren't ready to use strategy yet."

"I'm very strategic!"

Connie sighs. "Ma'am, I don't think this is working."

"Perhaps not," Pearl agrees.

All of them perk up as Amethyst and Steven round the corner, but none perk up higher than Peridot, who races back down the steps and almost chucks her blade aside to meet the purple Gem halfway.

"Heeey, Peri." Amethyst nonchalantly swung her into the air. Steven walked by with a barely audible greeting. "How's my tough warrior?"

Peridot gives an awkward but pleased chuckle. "Yes, well…"

"She's not doing so well at the 'tough warrior' thing," Pearl provided, speaking in a light, teasing manner, arms behind her back. "Are you here for some training as well, you two?"

Amethyst opens her mouth to refuse outright, but the warm weight in her arms is suddenly looking _very_ hopeful. "I'll watch."

"Excellent!" Pearl says, honestly pleased. "Take a seat."

Amethyst sets Peridot down and heads for the benches, carefully going around Steven. It seems that only Connie and Peridot notice the respectful distance they give each other.

* * *

Steven and Amethyst work quietly, quickly, and in tandem, and that's the only reason it takes Pearl and Garnet so long to realize something's off. Amethyst grabbing his arm as a corruption looms isn't friendly- it's to check to see if he's ready to run- but it looks loving all the same. Likewise, Steven trailing behind her is simply the understanding that their abilities mesh well together- not comfort.

It's not as easy for him as perhaps it is to her. Steven is still young, and only just beginning to deal with the troubles of loneliness and precarious self-esteem. Amethyst has had off days since she came out of her hole- she's said as much.

("There was nothing to do, but sometimes I couldn't even get up the energy to _do_ that nothing, you know? I just stared at the sun and wriggled a bit to check if my bod was still tickin'.")

There's also the fact that she grew up (in a manner of speaking) in isolation. It's easy to forget that, for many years, Amethyst had _nothing_. Perhaps she hadn't even unlocked her voice yet- she'd never heard another Gem to know it was something she could do. Just a small, defective Gem in the midst of death and bleakness. Sometimes, she told him once, on a whim, she even missed the quiet. Things were far simpler when she was an insignificant purple speck with no knowledge outside of the rocks and injectors.

To put it bluntly; Amethyst is a pro at the silent treatment. Steven is not.

She's even better at pretending she's okay. Steven's getting really good at that himself.

* * *

Garnet offers a return appearance of Smoky. That's when things hit a breaking point.

"It's a cave, G," Amethyst grunted curtly. "Not exactly the stage for that."

"I was hoping you could send a yo-yo in," Garnet reiterates. "It'd be a fun trick shot."

Amethyst glances at Steven coolly, then shakes her head. "No."

"Alright," Garnet says, puzzled but not going to press. "Let's get movin', then."

Steven feels a bit angry about both sides; Amethyst for brushing it off and Garnet for suggesting it. He gets her point- sending a yo-yo out could help gauge depth, if not knock against the walls and glance off the corruption- but he feels like it was an attempt to pry regardless.

Pearl hesitates, fingers tapping together nervously, as Amethyst slips inside without another word, Garnet following. "Did you two have a fight?"

A notion of telling her wriggles into his mind. Steven knew she would listen- she really did want to help. But that would require sitting and _talking_ , and if there's anything more awkward than talking personal with Amethyst, it's talking personal with Amethyst while Pearl and Garnet play moderators.

"It's nothing, Pearl," he heard himself say without thinking. "Promise."

* * *

"Maybe you two oughta talk about it."

Amethyst freezes on the warp pad, half-off, half-on, heading for the door that led to her room. Steven only just managed not to bump into her, stumbling back to avoid touch. Garnet hovers gently a few feet away, hands on her hips, while Pearl's eyes hesitantly dart between the two.

"Not gonna force you, but this seems to be goin' on a tad too long," she added. "And we all know how you get, Amethyst."

"Nah, I'm good," Amethyst says, after a pause. Her hands are cradling her head. "Still kinda salty."

"Well," Steven broke in. "I'm kinda ready to talk."

The purple Gem slowly turned. Her face was perfectly blank. "Then talk."

He's frozen, for a moment. Talking openly is paralyzing, in front of the others, and it takes him a second to decide what to say- to make sure he doesn't reveal too much. "The things I said were out of line. I know that. You were just looking out for me, and I went past the line."

Amethyst blinked.

"I'm sorry."

Her shoulders slumped. The Quartz took a deep, long breath, head bobbing up and down with it. She straightens and waves her hand with an obligatory amount of cheer.

When Amethyst gives up, it's a full-body reaction.

"Okay."

Perhaps Garnet and Pearl would be okay with that conclusion.

"Amethyst, don't do this. You know it doesn't work on me."

He's not Pearl and Garnet.

Amethyst's shoulders hunch defensively. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You _always_ do this," Steven accused, but there was no real heat to his words, arms outstretched. "You say you're okay, when really you're not, and then you let the hurt eat at you for as long as you can. The next thing we know, we'll be fighting about this thirty years from now. I'd rather you be _mad_ at me than have you _lie_ to me."

"It's a better plan than being angry!" The purple Gem returned, her face becoming blanker and blanker. Steven can tell she's beginning to shut down. "What do you want me to do? Growl every time you come near me? I'm supposed to be the adult here!"

"That's never stopped you before!"

"Well, maybe it should have!"

"You can't just pretend you're responsible whenever it suits you!"

"Amethyst," Garnet warns. "Steven."

"What?" Amethyst challenges. "You told us to talk it out. Well, this is how we talk things out!"

"What's there to talk about?" Steven snaps. "I've apologized, but you're clearly not ready."

Amethyst glared at him. Her posture is a mixture of slack and tense, caught between pushing until one of them broke and hating the attention.

Maybe that's it, he realizes suddenly. Maybe that was the first time someone valued Amethyst as more than themselves in such an intimate way. Maybe no one had ever taken a fusion fall for her. And maybe… maybe she didn't know how to deal with that.

Recognition flashed across her features. She'd seen the look on his face. "Whatever. I'm done."

With that, she turned and walked away, slipping into her room without delay.

"Steven," Garnet repeats, and he knows he's in for a cuddle talk.

* * *

Garnet's lap is a comfy place to lay his head; warm, plush, and rumbling when she speaks. Steven indulges in that spot now, curling up on his side as her fingers brush lightly through his hair. He feels one of her gems bump against his scalp.

It's strange to think he used to do this every day. That he once told them every little thought or feeling. But, then, what did he even _know_? How much he loved _Cookie Cats_ and _Crying Breakfast Friends_? How 'neat' it would be to go on missions? All the while it was under his nose that the woman he was talking to was an alien, let alone a fusion.

Jeez. For a 'smart kid', he really does feel stupid sometimes.

"You wanna talk 'bout it?"

"Not really."

"Okay. You gonna be alright? I've never seen you two at each other's throats like that."

"I'm _fine_."

"I don't believe that."

Steven sighs. Why must talking exist? Things would be so much nicer if they only communicated via hugs and high-fives.

(Then again, that would mean he could never hear Peridot's happy noises when she did something right, or the gentle hum of Lapis's singing when they flew. How would he ever live without dad's stories, or Garnet's authoritative rumble? The delicate and endearing way Pearl spoke to him? Amethyst's hiccuping laugh? No, nothing would ever be able to replace that.)

"I messed up," he mumbled into her knee. Steven risked a glance up; Garnet's head was tipped back, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling. "I tried to apologize, but Amethyst isn't ready."

"Sometimes," she murmured, "sorry isn't enough."

"Yeah, I know." The Sardonyx Incident flashed in his eye, and Steven shifted. He'd never seen Garnet that angry before, and it hadn't been for unjust reasons. "Sorry that I blew up like that earlier. I'm just… really used to having Amethyst to talk to."

Without a moment's hesitation, Garnet offers: "You could talk to me."

"You'll get mad."

"Will I have the right to be?"

"Kinda? It won't go as smoothly as it would with Amethyst or Pearl. Or dad."

Garnet's fingers dig in, but it's not painful. "Give it a try."

Steven melts at that. It's impossible not to feel safe and protected around Garnet. "Amethyst's been giving me fusion lessons. For, you know, if we ever get around to fusing. Nothing serious- just some tips here and there. We don't even dance, though that's probably 'cause you guys don't exactly dance kid-friendly."

Garnet's lips quirked at that, but she didn't reply.

"Anyway. I took it too far, and it hurt Smoky a bit. Not literally- it just messed with their flow. And now she's mad at me for taking her advice."

"Sounds more like she's mad at herself for _giving_ you that advice."

Steven startles a bit at that. Was it really that simple? Had he, the closest out of all of them, ignored her feelings like everybody else without _meaning_ to?

"But that doesn't make sense," he mumbled stubbornly. "She seemed okay with teaching me."

"Hypotheticals and what-ifs aren't the same as _doing,_ " Garnet answered grimly. "Lemme put it like this; _hankering_ for a donut isn't the same as _eating_ a donut."

 _I know that_ , he wants to say, but finds he doesn't have the words. "I think she's scared of 'ruining' fusion for me, somehow. Amethyst's really been on edge about that sort of thing since she messed up."

Garnet reacts to that. It's slight- just a parting of her lips- but, for Garnet, that simple flex means a million things. "Oh?" Her voice has shifted, and Garnet clears her throat.

"Yeah," he says it like it's obvious, because, really, isn't it? "With Sugilite."

"That wasn't her fault."

He shrugs. "She thinks it is. And couldn't that be part of it? I mean, when you fused at the tower, Sugilite was fine."

"That's not how it works, Steven."

"Okay."

Garnet looked a bit concerned as she lounged back, fingers idly tapping across his back. "I didn't realize she felt that way."

"I know."

"She should feel comfortable talking to me."

"I think she is. I think she's more afraid that you'll agree with her."

"I won't."

"Maybe you should tell her that."

"Maybe. If she'll listen."

"She won't," he agreed. "But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try."

* * *

The warp pad echoed eerily as Steven entered the Kindergarten. Almost immediately the sound of creaking injectors filled his ears, putting him on edge. This part of the world felt uniquely fragile, ready to topple over with the slightest touch or raised voice.

Steven gingerly floated to the dirt ground, listening to the flip-flop of his sandals as he broke into a jog. Somehow, he felt that this place would be more suffocating in life than it is in death.

Amethyst lay on the stone she called her sitting rock, lifeless save for the rise and fall of breath. Steven had a rather unfortunate flashback to the cracked Gem incident, but he forced himself to acknowledge that she was okay. Nothing was wrong with her. Physically.

He laid down on the ground, the top of his hair just barely brushing the stone. It doesn't feel as uncomfortable as he thought it would- if anything, it felt solid. The injectors could fall and crush them both, but the dirt would never fall through.

"Remember when we weren't like this?" He asked. The sound of his voice trickled throughout the canyon, deadly quiet, yet it still felt like an intrusion to the stillness.

Amethyst gave a slow, tired, shrug. "You, yeah. I think I was just created like this."

"It scares me, you know? The thought that I'll be like this for the rest of my life. I mean, yeah, things can get better- I could maybe find a way to be okay- but then it'll just be something else. The feelings wouldn't go away- just change."

"You get used to it."

"That scares me too." He said, then let his voice trail off in a quiet little tune.

 _It all starts with a thought;  
Just a little thing. _  
_One second you're fine,_  
_Just you,_  
 _But then it creeps in without meaning to..._

 _You think, 'what if they lie because you're not worth the time?'  
_ _You push it down and start again._

 _Then it just goes downhill from there._  
_The air can't support you._  
_Suddenly you're just a wilting flower  
_ _You help keep the garden alive, but at what price?_

_And... would anybody mind?_

_Oh, no. It starts off small… but it's not really small at all._

He fell silent, but before things could get awkward Amethyst's gritty voice lifted into the fog.

 _It all starts with a sentence;  
Just a little thing. _  
_One second you're fine,  
Just you,  
But then it creeps up without meaning to_ _.._ _._

 _They say, "those Kindergarten Gems could have killed the whole world!"_  
_You hear, "those disgusting Kindergarten brutes tried to kill us all!"_

 _You know it's not true  
You don't blame them_  
_But once the thought is there…_

_It's impossible to shake._

_Oh, no. It starts off small… but it's not really small at all._

(Amethyst leapt off her rock, holding a hand out. Steven took it, singing together.)

 _You start off small_  
_And end up smaller._  
_You think you're all_  
_When you're really nothin'._

(A quick twirl.)

_We're two different gems,_   
_With two different minds,_   
_But when it comes to how we feel..._

_We're right on time_ _._

Steven hesitated to continue. Amethyst didn't.

 _It's my job to prepare you, it's hard to understand_  
_But one day you might say yes_  
_And it's hard to resist_  
_A being of love can love even someone like us._

Steven felt the irritation in his chest bubble up again, and found himself belting out the words before he could stop the urge.

 _Hard to say no_  
_Harder to say yes_  
_Is this a test?_

Amethyst shakes her head, then gestures for them to dance. They step in time, nose-to-nose. They never glance back, trusting in the other for guidance. Amethyst leads first, then Steven. They never bump or trip.

 _Oh, it starts out small_  
_But it's not small at all_  
_Deep down_  
_We have the same heart_

_It makes it all the harder to watch you burn._

_She loves us_  
_And I love you too_  
_But sometimes…_

They both froze, but they knew they couldn't stop now.

… _It's just not enough._

Amethyst and Steven breathe heavily for a moment. Amethyst's voice is ragged. Steven's eyes might be a little misty. He cleared his throat and started quietly.

 _It's just_  
_It's hard_  
_Because I know that every time you say you're fine_  
_You just think you're not worth the time_

_And you deserve more than that._

("Chill, Steven. I'm fine.")

 _You're never fine!_  
_Something's always on your mind._

_Will I be like that one day?_

"Not if I can help it." Amethyst cut him off.

 _You're one tough little guy_  
_And I'd certainly hate to say goodbye._

 _I'm not here to teach you to be me_  
_I'm here to teach you to be free._

("By hiding like you.")

 _I'm giving you the tools to fuse with the best_  
_Maybe it'll change your mind about this whole mess._  
_You deserve so much more than I can give you_  
_So much more than we get_

 _And I really want to be my best for you_  
_I wanna be your greatest hit._

_It starts off small… but I wanna see you grow up big._

They trailed off in a diminuendo.

 _Big, Big_  
_I wanna see you be big_

 _Big, Big,_  
_I want to be_ _**big** _

Breathless, the duo collapsed on the ground. Steven felt the soft tickle of long hair on his neck, a stocky hand bumping his elbow, and had the momentary thought that maybe everything would be okay. It was only a weak reassurement, melting away as the seconds went on, but it brought him comfort nonetheless. "I'm sorry. I should've put the team first."

"You _did_ put the team first," Amethyst says. "That's what scares me."

* * *

It's hard to say exactly where they stand when Steven and Amethyst return. The hurt is still there- it will always be there- but it's not the forefront of his life anymore. More of a lingering mist.

Still, standing beside Amethyst no longer feels cramped and awkward, so Steven will take what he can get.

It's mid-afternoon in Beach City, sunlight streaming pleasantly through the door and window. The lapping of the sea puts him at ease, making him wonder how long it's been since he slept through the whole night. A week, give or take? What a lovely way to end this debacle.

Garnet is sitting in the exact same place she was when they talked. When they appear, she stands, and, when they get close, she wrangles Amethyst off the floor and into her arms. Amethyst splutters.

"Hey," Garnet says.

"Hey?" Amethyst questions. Garnet has her propped up on her thigh, eye to visor. She shifts, not exactly uneasy, but not at home, either. "You can set me down, now. We made up, or whatever."

"I know."

"Then lemme down." She pats the Gem's thin but well-muscled arm. "You're ruinin' my street cred."

"Sugilite wasn't just your fault," she returns bluntly. "It was a joint effort."

Amethyst turns to stone in Garnet's grip. "Steven."

"I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "It just slipped out."

"Don't blame Steven for bein' honest with me."

"I don't want to hear the lecture."

"I don't _want_ to lecture you."

"Then put me down."

Garnet jerks her head in a silent refusal. "If it _was_ just you, then Opal wouldn't be stable."

"Opal _isn't_ stable."

"She's very stable, when the situation calls for it."

"Can't that be said of any fusion?"

"Amethyst," Garnet warns. Amethyst lapses into silence. "You don't fuse very often, so, when you do, the effect can be powerful. Intoxicating, even. That's not something to be ashamed of."

"Uh-huh," she intones.

"I need you to believe I'm telling you how _I_ feel, and not what I think you need to hear." Garnet tipped her visor off. "Give me that much credit, at least."

Amethyst passively examined her. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."

Garnet has never taken to disrespect well, and her lip curls at the dismissiveness. "I'm trying to talk to you, Amethyst. I know this isn't easy, and we can't solve it just like that, but there's no reason to act this way. I want to work this out."

"It's fine. I'm fine."

"No, you aren't."

"You don't get to decide that."

"You need space," Garnet said abruptly, gently setting Amethyst on the couch. She looks half-tempted not to do even that. "We'll talk later."

"Hmm," was all she said. Like a fat cat with its least favorite food set in front of it.

Steven grabbed her wrist and tugged her up the stairs. It was only right they watched _Crying Breakfast Friends_ to celebrate things almost going back to normal.

* * *

"Where's Pearl?" Smoky asked. They half-crouched, half-sat on the Temple warp pad, two hands sitting on their knees. The third opened and closed, thumb running over the lukewarm softness of their knuckles.

"With Greg," Garnet responds. The other fusion sits calmly on the floor, Indian style. Her head is tilted back slightly to look them in the eye, but she doesn't seem to mind being the short one. "How do you feel?"

"Disjointed. Like a live wire that could burn out. A little sleepy." Smoky shrugged. "So, about the same as I normally do."

"Any idiosyncrasies?"

"What does- wait, never mind. Amethyst knows that word."

"I think that's answer enough."

"Not really. I've only been alive for a little while, G-net. 'M still getting used to just _existing_." Smoky taps their chin with their third arm. "Pretty in-sync, if you ask me. Their fusions just have a habit of bein' unstable. Could say I'm… _on the rocks_?"

"Stevonnie is perfectly stable," Garnet argues softly, touching their hand. "And Sugilite worked just fine last time."

Smoky blinks at her. "That wasn't us. That was all _you_."

"I don't follow."

"Not much _to_ follow, honestly. You were angry. Amethyst wasn't. You kinda… steamrolled her? If that makes sense? Not that that's a big deal. Amethyst didn't-"

" _Don't_ finish that. _I_ mind."

"Sorry."

"I'm the one that needs to apologize, if only she'd let me."

"It's fine. Amethyst gets mad all the time. I get it."

"I shouldn't have taken it out on her."

"Hey, it's okay, gal." Smoky awkwardly patted Garnet's shoulder. "You had to take it out on somethin'. Didn't want that something to be Pearl. If it _had_ to be somebody, it was best that-"

Garnet's voice dips down into a darker, flatter tone. "Don't make up excuses for my behavior."

Smoky flinches, then lazily salutes in an attempt to hide it. "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

Steven presses his head to the woman's chest plate as he hugs her, voice weighted down with guilt. "Sorry. I made things bad again."

Garnet gently bent down to kiss his forehead. Steven tensed, but it came without the curse of future vision. "Don't be angry with yourself for tellin' the truth. This shoulda come to my attention long before now."

"It's been all about us lately," he admitted, running a hand over his face. "I feel so selfish."

"Don't. Sometimes, I think we don't pay attention enough. Right, Amethyst?"

There's an audible thud as Amethyst startles, slamming her head on the fridge rack. She pulled away to glare at the fusion. "Can't even get a snack 'round here without somebody proddin' me. For shame."

Garnet pats her lap. "There's room."

Amethyst lets out a disgruntled sigh, slamming the door shut with disgust. She swallows an apple, core and all, then climbs up to sit beside her, letting out a quiet yelp when Garnet pulls her up. "Dude, I'm not a baby anymore," she whines. "I'm, like, practically an adult."

"Didn't stop you from crawling into Pearl's arms last week."

"That's different. Pearl needed snuggle time."

"I think we both need some snuggle time."

Amethyst squirms, but doesn't put up any real fight when Garnet's chin rests on her head. "'M not a pillow. I'm a big tough tiger mom."

"You are," Garnet agrees. "And I hope that, one day, you'll be able to be proud of that."

Amethyst falls silent.

"Is it song time?" Steven tugs on a purple elbow. "'Cause the living room is a boring place for song time. It's best saved for ordinary, not-singing stuff. The last time we did this, we went all the way to Empire City."

"You mean you tricked Pearl into coming along, then manipulated them into song time," Garnet reminds him, only half-chiding. It's long in the past now.

Steven shifts uncomfortably, choosing his next words more carefully. "I know it wasn't right, but they needed to talk. And if it _had_ backfired, it would've come down on _me_ , not them."

 _That's how Rose used to think_ , Amethyst can sense Garnet about to say, and interjects. "Nah, dude. Pearl and Greg are more mature than that. They would've just went in separate corners and cooled off."

* * *

"This special enough?"

Steven hums, examining the familiar rock hand of the Temple. The washer and dryer, clunking away, did not detract from the mystical feel of the place. "Yeah, I think it's pretty good."

"Alright then."

Amethyst drums her fingers on the warp pad. Garnet stands at an awkward angle, hands on her hips.

"Maybe we oughta try talk time first," he offers.

Garnet nods and sits. Amethyst doesn't look at her.

"I want to fix this," she tells her, "I want you to feel comfortable talking to me again. You should be able to come to me."

"That's not how it works anymore."

"Why? Sugilite?"

Amethyst shakes her head. "We're moms now, G. Well, technically we're _guardians,_ but really we're moms."

"And why does that have anything to do with this? Taking care of Steven hasn't detracted from who we are."

"I just told you; we're parents. We gotta be strong. What kinda example am I setting if I can't handle life on my own?" She curled in over herself with a grunt. "It's just better this way, alright?"

"What example are we setting if we can't even talk to each other?" Garnet returns quietly.

Amethyst opens her mouth, then shuts it, brow furrowing. Garnet pulls her back onto her lap again, interlocking her fingers over the Gem's pudgy stomach. The fusion hums a soft tune.

 _I know you don't see what I see_  
_That's just who you are_  
_As compared to me._

 _We all see life differently._  
_And that's okay_  
_It makes it more fun that way._

 _But I need you to recognize_  
_Realize_  
_That we don't see the world the same_  
_I don't see_ you _the way you do_  
_And that's okay._

 _But I need you to understand_  
_It's okay to want my company_  
_It's okay to voice how you feel_

 _Even when I'm mad,  
_ _That doesn't change who I am._

 _You matter_  
_You matter_  
_Even if you don't see it_

 _You're strong and brave_  
_And beautiful_  
_And I wish you would feel that way_

 _I can't change how you see_  
_Because you_ don't _see_  
_But I can say, certainly_  
_You matter_  
_You matter_

 _You mean a lot to us, and we'd miss you_  
_If you were gone._

 _So, even if you don't see it_  
_Trust in me; believe it_  
_Don't try and force yourself_  
_To make us proud._  
_It won't make us proud._

 _That's not what we want_  
_Or need_  
 _Or believe._

Amethyst scoffed, rolled her eyes, and nudged Garnet's chest. The fusion shifted with the movement, like the push could actually move her. Amethyst's tune held more pop in it, somewhat like a rap, but she held her notes on certain parts, accentuating her point.

 _First off;_  
_I'm sexy, not beautiful_

 _Sexy draws looks_  
_Beautiful draws love_  
_I'm certainly not the second one_  
_Above._

 _Second off;_  
_I matter 'cause I make sure of it_  
_I've worked for it_  
_I've made sure you all know_  
_My gemstone could break for you all_  
_And it'd be no biggie._

 _I'm a Quartz_  
_A soldier_  
_I know I'm not enough_  
_But I can at least be loyal_  
_Try to be up to snuff._

 _I don't want your pity_  
_Don't want no false dignity_  
_You're the leader_  
_I'm the infantry_

_That's how I see it.  
That's all I am._

("You give really good advice, though," Steven whispered. "About fighting. And emotions.")

Garnet cleared her throat.

 _I can't change you_  
_Don't want to_  
_But we love you_

_Please don't forget that_

_Let's try to move on from this_  
_Together_  
_I know it's no small thing…_

Amethyst and Steven both froze. The boy slowly climbed onto the warp pad and swung his legs, chin to his chest.

 _It all starts with a thought_  
_Just a silly little thing._  
_One second you're fine_  
_Just you_  
_But then it creeps in without meaning to…_

Amethyst hummed with him.

 _It starts off small,_  
_But, really, it's big_  
_When you're so small_  
_You wish you were big_  
_It's no little thing_

 _Maybe it would be easier_  
_To forget and forgive_  
_To lock it away_

 _And I've tried it and tired of it._  
_I'm done pretending I'm fine._  
_We're just going to have to find an aftermath_  
 _An end to it._

Garnet doesn't respond. Amethyst continued by herself, voice a litany of uncertainty.

 _You can't tell me that_  
_Every_  
_Single_  
_Fusion_  
_Is a product of love and appreciation_

 _Sometimes_ _,_ _life trumps logic_  
_Trumps emotion_  
_Trumps reason_  
_So I'm not mad_  
_If you use me for a purpose.  
I know you'll give me an answer that'll make us all proud._

_Doesn't that make sense?_

"No."

Steven jumped, whipping his face around to stare at her. Garnet held Amethyst still as she gaped up at the woman. Her bangs fell back from the gravity, a soft curtain fall of confusion.

"Huh?"

"You heard me," she said. "No. It _doesn't_ make sense."

Amethyst's voice began to rise desperately, more reedy.

_Somebody has to do it._

"Not really."

_Somebody has to be there when the other foot falls._

"We won't go anywhere."

_If I can't be helpful, what use am I?_

"You don't have to be _useful_ to exist. That's Homeworld thinking."

Amethyst growled, and Steven forces himself to ignore the frustrated tears bubbling up in her eyes. It'd only embarrass her. "Well, _sorry_ for trying."

"I'm not saying your emotions aren't valid, Amethyst. We've all felt this way. But, if we only exist for others, then what's the point of existing at all?"

Steven's fingers clenched around the gemstone in his belly. He wondered what Bismuth would say to that, then stopped wondering. He didn't want to remember.

"We have a lot to work out together. I know that. This one little song isn't going to make things better- only time and talking will. But, _please._ Never think that you don't matter to us."

 _You matter_  
_You matter_  
_Even if you don't see it_

 _You matter_  
_You matter_  
_To us._

* * *

Peridot and Connie aren't close friends, but they aren't strangers, either. They sit on a blanket, swords carefully laid out at their feet. The girl is covered in sweat, and, while it brings a wrinkle to the green Gem's nose, she leans on her without complaint while she eats, defeated. "This isn't working."

Connie shrugs. "You know, if you need help, Amethyst is giving lessons."

Peridot startles. "Is she?"

"Yeah," Connie nods nonchalantly, eyes firmly on her sandwich. "Nothing big. Just some tips on technique and stuff."

The green Gem considers it with a slow nod. "I'll think on it."

"It's nothing much, really. She just teaches you how to look big and strong. Whatever you need to be."


	2. Feeling Big

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion to the story that already had an ending to it

Pearl glances up from her book as the steady pounding of the shower turns off with a twist. It's one of Connie's books, and remarkably confusing, if only because of how disgustingly illogical the timeline is. As much as she appreciates her pupil, the Gem finds her taste in books to not be her own.

Amethyst kicks open the door and steps into the cool living room. She's naked, which is something Pearl can appreciate. There's something oddly indulgent about looking at her tummy, the stretch marks that pepper her purple skin, even that small patch of freckles Pearl knows she hates. Her long mane is tied up and dripping, only just barely toweled.

"Nice shower?" She asked.

"Yup." Amethyst flashed her clothes on with a flourish. She's not, Pearl notices, dry. Perhaps she just likes letting the air do the work for her. "Been a while since I did that."

"Well, it's not like you _have_ to. We can shapeshift all that off." Pearl supplies, watching the woman trail into the kitchen area. She expects her to go straight to the fridge, but instead she pulls the kettle out of the cupboards. "Making tea?"

"I forgot how much I liked it 'till recently." She says with a verbal shrug, setting it on the stove. Water from the sink sloshed around inside. "You want me to get a cup out for you? I know how you like the smell."

Pearl doesn't deny this. Tea has a nice aroma to it, and the warmth of a cup in her hands is appealing. "No, thank you. I might make myself some later."

"Cool."

Amethyst waits for the kettle to boil, then pours herself a cup, bringing the concoction over to the couch. She nonchalantly crawls up beside her, swishing the bag around. Pearl knows she likes her drink particularly strong.

She glanced outside. The sun was just beginning to set, leaving blazing pinks and reds at the seams of the sky. Pearl thought the ocean looked its' best at night- fathomless and mysterious- but the dark blue of now wasn't that bad either. "Garnet should be home soon."

"She took Steven for ice cream at, what? Noon?" Amethyst snorted. "They're probably off talking about their _feelings_ , or whatever."

Pearl looked at her. Amethyst flipped the soggy tea bag into her mouth with a particularly repulsive squelch. "Speaking of feelings-"

"Ugh, Pearl, _no_. This is supposed to be happy tea time."

"Relax. I'm not prying. I just wanted to apologize. I feel like I haven't really been there for you, recently. You _or_ Steven."

"S'okay, P." Amethyst sipped loudly at her cup. "You can't be there 24/7."

"That's the problem." She admitted. "I _was_ here 24/7, but I didn't _do anything_. I just stood aside while you all were fighting."

"What else were you gonna do?" Amethyst asks.

"I don't know."

"Then don't worry."

Pearl accepts this with a guilty nod. Amethyst goes on nursing her mug.

"How're things going with you and that one girl?" She probes finally. "The hot one."

" _Amethyst_."

"Chill, Pearl. She's not my type."

Pearl tsks. "Courting is something best done privately, Amethyst. It's not to be gossiped about."

"Whatever gets your gem glowin', I guess."

Pearl's cheeks flame. "Really, Amethyst?" She questions, scandalized by her provocative tone. " _Really_?"

"Yes, pearly pear. Really."

"I'm not going to answer that."

"So, either you're really going, or you haven't even called her yet. Got it."

Pearl finds herself smirking. Two can play at this game. "I can't help it if you're jealous of my skills, Amethyst," she teased. "Perhaps I can help set _you_ up next time."

"Yeah, sure." She agreed, shrugging. The tea in her mug is half gone now. "Bird mom wingwoman for me? Sounds perfect."

"You're serious?"

"Yup. Gotta warn you, though; most of the places _I_ go to party dance how _I_ like to dance."

Pearl bites her lip. The smaller Gem's way of dancing isn't wrong- all dancing is good dancing. She just prefers showing off her form in more subtle ways; the shake of her shoulders, the flexibility in her pose. Amethyst's movements are like water, jagged and loose; you admire it, but you also fear it. She leaves nothing to the imagination. It's intoxicating, when it's with friends. Random strangers? Not so much.

"Could we settle for another concert?" She compromised. "Or even an ice rink?"

"Sure."

"Are you okay? You're being a bit _too_ agreeable for comfort."

Amethyst shrugs, thick shoulders rolling. She leans against Pearl's side with a comfortable sigh, long hair tickling her pale skin. "Stuff's been all 'bout me, recently. I'm sick of it. All I want is a belly full of tea and to take a nap."

Pearl studied the liquid sloshing around in her mug curiously. "Does it feel nice?"

"If you enjoy drinking, yeah. It's like having a blanket in your insides."

"I guess I can see the attraction in that." She hooked an arm around the Gem's side and squeezed. She felt warm and soft and a bit damp to the touch. "It's okay for things to be about you, you know."

"Nooo. This is happy tea time. Not 'let's talk about our issues' time."

"Too bad." She reached over, plucking the mug from her chubby hands and setting it on the coffee table. "There."

Amethyst wailed a ridiculously overdramatic, "Nooooooooo" as she 'attempted' to retrieve her tea, windmilling her arms around, until finally she slouched.

"You done?"

"One more. Noooooooooooooooo!" She sighed, falling against the thin woman's side. "Fine. _Now_ I'm done."

"Good. So, how's your week been?"

"Are you serious?"

"We haven't caught up recently. I'm allowed to ask these things."

"Pearl, we've inhabited the same air all week. You _know_ how my week's been."

She hesitated. "Physically, yes, but I'm asking _emotionally_. You tend to brush over those things."

Amethyst huffs out a laugh and falls silent. Pearl watches her slowly breathe. Is she asleep? It wouldn't be the first time Amethyst has conked out on her lap. If she started drooling, she'd swiftly find herself deposited on the floor.

"I'm thinking about taking a break from fusion." She says quietly, as though testing the air for softness before filling it with words. "For the most part, anyway."

"Are you mad at me?"

"What? No. Why?"

"I didn't want this to be because of my prying."

"It's not."

"Okay."

"Even if it _was_ , would it matter?"

"No! No, of course not." Thin fingers settled in her pale mane. "It's your decision, and I respect that."

Her voice is achingly vulnerable. "You're not mad?"

"Not at all. Concerned more than anything. You know _we_ aren't mad at _you_ , right?"

"Right."

"And that we want you to be happy, right?"

Softer, less convinced. "Right."

"Good."

She looked at her hands. "It's just... ulgh!" Amethyst pressed the palms to her face. "It's stupid."

"Personal preference isn't stupid, Amethyst."

"I _like_ fusing. I do. I just need a break."

"That's okay, Amethyst. I understand."

Amethyst let out a quiet groan from her hands. Pearl reached out to nuzzle her hair, brushing her bangs out of the way of her eyes, which were a bit misty. "It's just," she sniffled a bit. "We've done this since I was little, you know? Jus' a newfound baby Amethyst. It doesn't feel _right_ to just say no and walk away."

Pearl squeezed her tighter. "There's nothing wrong with saying no. It's _okay_."

"It's like cutting against the grain, almost. All rough and crummy-looking and stuff."

"Nobody says yes to fusion every single time it's on the table. Garnet said no. _You've_ said no."

"Yeah, to _Steven_. And Garnet's a special case."

"We're all special cases, don't you think?"

That calms her a bit. Pearl went on. "It's strange to consider, but none of us would have ever even _known_ each other on Homeworld. And, even if we _did_ bump into each other, we could never be friends. A Quartz and a Pearl? The planet would blow up."

"A _defective_ Quartz."

There's a pause. "Jasper?"

"Peridot, actually. She didn't mean any harm when she said it, though."

"I figured as much. Peridot's taken quite a shine to you, you know."

"Eh. She just likes me 'cause I'm short." Amethyst laughs into Pearl's arms. " _Would_ we have known each other, on Homeworld? If I was brought back for some reason."

"No. They would've put you somewhere... for _entertainment_. Perhaps, if you showed enough promise, they'd stick you with some Rubies. _Never_ anywhere near a Pearl."

"You'd think that'd be their first option?"

"You'd be surprised. The Diamonds want perfection in their Pearls. It's almost a political thing; our Pearls are as perfect as we are, because we are grand enough to get perfect Pearls."

"You're not a trick or piece of jewelry to flaunt."

"I agree with you completely. That's just how things are on Homeworld. You would've been assigned somewhere just as remote as Pink Diamond's Zoo, and we never would have met. We probably wouldn't have ever even _seen_ each other." Her chin was tickled by her long hair. "We- all of us. We're all truly special cases."

"Isn't that all the more reason to fuse?"

"Oh, don't fall into _that_ old rhetoric. Garnet would never forgive you if she heard you talking like that."

The Gem shrunk in her arms. "M'sorry." She wiped a few tears away. "It's all so stupid."

"Not at all. You want your tea back?"

"S'please."

Pearl handed it over. Amethyst downed the lukewarm concoction like an alcoholic does vodka, setting the mug back onto the table. "I feel all numb now."

"Getting worked up'll do that."

"Sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for. You've done the exact same for me."

"I want to be a better Gem." She tells Pearl. Well, tells Pearl's sash, really. "And not just 'cause you told me to be, or Steven needs me to be. I wanna be better for me. I'm sick of spending my life feeling too much or not enough. I want to be able to take a shower and make myself some tea without feeling _guilty_. I mean, I'm the only one in the Temple who even really _drinks_ tea!"

"Well, how do you feel now?"

"Guilty. But it didn't stop me."

"That's a start."

"I guess."

"I'm proud of you, Amethyst."

She smiles at that. "Thanks."

"May I ask?"

"Lemme guess; why fusion?"

"Yes. Is it... did we make you feel _worse_?"

"No," Amethyst answered bluntly. "But you didn't make me feel _better_ , either. I need happy, positive junk right now. Fusion just wasn't it."

"I understand. Thank you for telling me."

"S'no biggie. I feel tired."

"Take a nap, then."

"No, like- body tired. My bod is sleepy, but my head isn't."

"Then stay here and rest."

"You don't mind?"

"I'm not moving anytime soon."

"Thanks."

Pearl busied herself with running her fingers through Amethyst's hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, the epilogue to the story I never planned having an epilogue for in the first place!
> 
> This was mostly inspired by my own disgruntlement towards my inability to write more Pearl in the story, as well as Amethyst's tea obsession (I thought she was joking when she told Vidalia tea was her favorite, but she's eaten three tea bags and drank two cups of it in-show by now), on top of her discussion with Steven in Tiger Philanthropist.
> 
> Now we're done with this story! Though I'm really proud of it, still.
> 
> Freckles came from Smoky's design (they're weirdly placed, like on her side or something), and somehow this ended up being 10x gayer than I thought it would be in the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus Tapdancing Christ take this story away from me. I can’t believe it’s actually over.
> 
> It Starts off Small- which is unofficially titled “Steven and Amethyst need therapy- the musical” started almost three weeks ago now. I knew I was in for a long haul when I started. Just not this long. My normal chapter is 3-4 pages long. 
> 
> This was 29.
> 
> This is probably my longest solo-piece ever. It’s also my 250th story posted on Fanfic! Here’s to four years of writing- this year will be five in August!
> 
> Thanks for readin’, ya’ll, and thanks to the folks who regularly read and review my work. There’s no greater joy to me as a writer than to hear that I actually gave someone real, honest emotions with my works.  
> Special thanks to the people who read author’s notes. I tend to forget myself.
> 
> -Mandaree1
> 
> (P.S.- Special SPECIAL thanks to Pandora and Dream, who’ve been listening to me lose my mind over this story since I started writing it.)
> 
> Songs are titled “Doesn’t That Make Sense?”, “It Starts off Small”, and “Don’t See.”


End file.
